I just came back from Cambodia!I learnt lots of things while i was there.....
I`ve learnt to appreciate food,water,sanitation,my family,my siblings,my friends....And much much much more....Going there was a correct choice as i really had a fruitful experience and a hand-on about the less developed countries!
We interact with kids from an orphanage,church in the red district area and children living near the dump site.They were really grateful and cute compared to those in Singapore....For example;if you gave a Singaporean kid a new t-shirt,the kid will just reply with a ''okay...''and toss the shirt aside into the cupboard....Compared to the children in Cambodia,they would grab your hands and say''or-goon'' which means ''thank you'' in Khmer and they would throw the shirt into the air joyfully.
After coming back from Cambodia,I stopped throwing away food as i finally understood that we should no waste such good food....I managed to see God`s healing in action as well!Many of my fellow GB girls fell sick but,we prayed to God everyday for a safe trip,for him to bless the food and to heal the sick girls.By the end of the trip,everyone was healthy and we say ''hallelujah'' for that!
But....I still feel disappointed in myself....Like i`m good for nothing....I`m a crybaby and i am a brat...I admit to all that...But knowing that God even loves a nobody like me really gave me a peace of mind....
Every time,when people say my stories suck or they`re not interesting,I always get upset...But i can always feel God`s strength to tell me to move on.A light push would give me enough courage to stand up and start running again....As long as God doesn`t give up on me,I`ll never give up on myself either...
My studies are deproving a lot....And i`m afraid that i don`t have time to achieve my dream....I always had a negative thinking of my eye condition...It isn`t some life and death condition but i always think that i`ll become blind soon....I`m always scared of being left alone in the dark because its really scary to be alone....By yourself....But i`ve decided that God has plans to prosper me,not to harm me....So i will try my best to trust him!
One reason why i wanted to go to the ''Through-train'' programme so badly was because i was so scared that i would become blind and i would never get to achieve my ambitions of being a mangaka...But so many things are opposing me at the same time....Even my mum doesn`t want me to go to the 3D animation course...She would rather i go to the environmental studies or science course....
My love for animation cannot be satisfied...I`m not aiming to be the best...Just to fulfill my dreams....
Sometimes,i just wished that i could escape into my stories...So that i don`t have to face the harsh reality that i want to keep on running from....But its impossible to run from something that can outrun u easily..
I`ve never realized how much i wanted to achieve my dreams until secondary 2...As the days go by,I get more and more scared of what would happen....I`d rather spend my whole day writing my stories than doing my homework....
I guess what really made me motivated to get top in the level last year was because i wanted to learn the violin...This year,nothing motivates me anymore...But....All i felt i was living for was to be accepted and to be praised...
I hated this phrase ''You have tried your best..."
Because,i did more than my best...And i just wanted to be praised with a ''good job'' or ''you did well''...But for my entire 15 years of existance,no one has ever said that to me....Thats why i express all these inside my stories...These are the words i yearn to hear so much...But they never reach my ears...The only things that my ears heard were ''Try harder next time'' or ''you`ve tried your best''
Hearing all that made me feel like giving up on myself...But i know the only reason i live is for God...And only God shall we worship...my faith is 80% and 20%...There are still things that i dont understand about God...
For example,That time when my grandmother died,I was questioning him angrily....''I prayed to you everyday and every night...Why?Why did you let such a sorrowful thing happen?Didn`t my prayers reach you?or did u pretend not to hear them?!''
But after getting to know him better....I realised that people live and eventually die...And on judgement day,God decides wheather you go to heaven or hell....Yet,God doesn`t want us to go to hell that`s why he sent his son,Jesus,to die on the cross for us to wash away all our sins....
We humans are the ones who started the sins beginning with eating the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden...But God still loves each and every one of us....No matter how evil we are,No matter how useless we are...our reason to live is him...
I guess i`ll stop here...This year was a very chaotic year for me...My grandmother passed away,my mother had heart problems,getting to know god...
But i have never regretted joining the Girls` Brigade...Because it taught me life values and taught me about God and how he loves each and every one of us...No matter how you look,no matter what is your weight,no matter what race,no matter what gender...He loves each and everyone of us...
So...I really want to thank God who has always been watching over me...No matter how useless and clumsy i am...He always makes it right and always provides for us...
I finally found the reason why i liked the rainbow so much....In the story Noah`s ark,God made a rainbow as to show the promise between him and man that he would not have another great flood to kill the evil people(all of us)..So the Rainbow is like a memorial about the great flood.
Feeling much better and blessed,
Love,
Emiko
fell in love with music @ 4:21 PM
